Meditations Pre-Baby

September 22nd, 2010

So here we are, hours away from kicking this baby party into high gear. I’m spending my last few hours serenely savoring the final stretch of pregnancy and blissfully contemplating my son’s arrival.

Or not.

In truth, due to a combination of factors including pregnancy hormones, the stress of being on unfulfilled High Baby Alert for two weeks, and Miss Mouse’s sorrowful clinginess, I’ve been an emotional train wreck since last night.

Josh had a meeting last night, so I put Miss Mouse to bed (against her expressly and loudly stated wishes). Shortly after putting her down, I was hit by an overwhelming sense of loss. It’s hard to put into words, but I missed her. Which is silly since she was right upstairs and not going anywhere. But it really hit me that this was my last night of putting her to bed with my undivided attention. Her last night of being my only baby. And it broke my heart.

I don’t know anything about siblings. I’m an only. And so at the moment, I think I’m reacting as an only and am bereft about the fact that Miss Mouse won’t be the center of my world anymore. Sure, you learn to juggle two — both emotionally and logistically — but clearly there’s a different relationship when you have multiple children. I’m so afraid that she’ll get pushed aside in the commotion over a new baby.

My sweet husband — now used to inexplicable bursts of tears from his pregnant wife — has been patiently reminding me that this is one of those great things about having a husband and a loving extended family. Yes, I’ll be pretty busy with Baby2, but Josh and my parents and our friends will be there to step into the gap for Miss Mouse and help to shower her with attention. Or take over some Baby2 duties so I can shower her with attention.

That helped. As did taking a morning nap with Miss Mouse. She was up at 5:15 (no idea why) but I persuaded her to lie down with me around 6 and she conked out immediately in my bed. We hadn’t slept together in a while and as she snuggled against me, I could feel both her twitching in her sleep and Baby2 kicking between us. It was a nice moment, nestled with my children.

One response to “Meditations Pre-Baby”

  1. Isa says:

    Don't be worried–I'm sure your mom and husband (and dad? I can't remember) have all told you how much they loved having siblings. I did (and do) love having Caroline around, and especially when I was young it was nice to have a sister to play with and torment.

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